Remember the cookies and pepperoni rolls? Well, a few days later, Grandma E. came over and made a pan of her “Best in Show” hot rolls.
Then, I baked a truckload of butter cutout cookies and ate half myself. Then I decided I should make gingerbread cookies so I baked a second truckload and ate half of those. And of course I still had those rolls, and you can’t let those go to waste.
In my world, that means eat one every time you pass through the kitchen.
Once again, I’ll spare you the details. Just know that the effects weren’t pleasant. Again. I’ve learned my lesson, again and again. Gluten = misery. There’s no way around it.
So I quit gluten. For real. I even had birthday cake in the house and didn’t touch it because I didn’t want the terrible effects.
But, it’s not that simple. There’s this period that lasts anywhere from a week to a month or more when your body essentially withdraws from gluten, like it’s a drug or something.
One can expect any or many yucky symptoms like mood swings, mental fog, fatigue, even joint pain or cramping. Google it – I’m experiencing a handful of what others describe.
And it is no fun.
I’ve heard you can eat non-glutenous carbs or take enzymes to help, but the general consensus is that it’s just a waiting game.
So this has been my gluten-free experience so far…
Last Christmas cookie. A mini nut roll from my brother’s work. Gluten-free the rest of the day. Easy. Did you see me walk by that pretzel? Didn’t even look. I got this.
Yep, this gluten-free thing is easy-peasy. I’m going to have all this crazy energy and I’ll totally have to take up rock climbing. Hey, I may knock off a few pounds because I won’t be eating as many carbs. This is pure awesomeness.
RAWR. Leave me alone, I’m going to suck my thumb and sleep. No, thumb, I hate you too, get out of my mouth. Sing “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit in my head. Everybody sucks.
Still mean. As if that’s not enough, I’m sludgy and achy, like I’m trying to swim through molasses and I can’t come to the surface.
Who am I? Where am I? Here, lovely son, here’s some ice cream for having to put up with me. I’ll put the tub in the fridge when I’m done, and not find it until morning so it’s thoroughly melted. I would love one of Grandma’s hot rolls right now. They’re frozen and ready, one touch away in the microwave. No…be strong…because we don’t want to start this all over again.
Who am I kidding? I don’t care a bit about this gluten thing. I would totally eat a roll if I didn’t have to go all the way to the freezer, take out a roll, then take it aaaalllll the way to the microwave…
Just like that, the cloud dissipates, leaving nothing but CLARITY. Alertness. Energy. I can move again, breathe again. I’m smiling.
I’m not gonna lie. I still want cake and hot rolls.
But not at the price I would have to pay. Nuh-uh, no way.